Friday, January 18, 2008

Ups and Downs

It's been a week of ups and downs for me. Some days are good. Most days are tolerable. And some days are downright bad. But hands down, this month has been tougher than last. I'm not sure why, but from people that I talk to, it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. There's been a lot of "if Dad were here..." moments, which are usually followed by "why the hell isn't Dad here?" moments. There's been a lot more stress and a lot more tears.

And somehow, in the midst of what have easily been 2 of the worst weeks of my life, I seem to have decided to start wedding planning again. Why? I have no clue. Thinking about it now, it seems just wrong. I've been a tortured soul most days, so it just doesn't seem right that I've also allowed myself to be genuinely excited about planning the happiest stupidest day of my life. I'm guessing that most people feel this type of contradictory happy/sad feeling. At least, it seems to make sense that people would feel contradictory about it. After all, weddings are supposed to be happy things. But how can it be a happy thing when there are no happy things right now? And when I'm experiencing a seemingly happy moment, isn't that wrong? No, I know it's not wrong... but it sure does feel like it ought to be.