Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Denial & distraction

There's a lot of different guides to the phases of grief out there. One commonality between all of them is a phase of denial. This doesn't make much sense to me. Of course I know my dad is not around anymore, I don't deny that. I'm starting to realize though, that maybe my form of denial is avoiding steps that support the fact that he's gone. For instance:

  • Removing his number from my cell phone. This is even more peculiar since my sister from out of the country is still here and using his cell phone now, so every time she calls me my cell phone says "Dad calling" & I think "I ought to change that sometime soon", but then I try & I just can't yet. I mentioned this to my other sisters and they haven't changed theirs yet either - at least I'm not the only one.
  • Sending comic strips. Dad enjoyed emailing comic strips that he found funny. I would occasionally find a good one and send it to him too. In the last month I keep finding good ones. So I send them to other people. It's not the same but at least it's close enough.
  • Deciding who will walk me down the aisle at the wedding. I shouldn't have to make this decision, so therefore I'll put it off and hope it goes away. After all, picking someone for the job would make it real.
Even more than denial, I'm enjoying a good dose of distraction as well. I watch TV & read until all hours of the night. I blog. And ironically, I think about wedding details. Mostly I think about things like what the invitations should say, how to avoid the "giving me away" part, what exactly to do about photos, and which flights we should take for the honeymoon. I think about wedding details, I talk about wedding details, but I don't actually do anything about wedding details. As soon as I do something about the details they won't be a distraction anymore, and then what will I do? Most girls enjoy planning their wedding; I use it to numb my day to day.